How do you coach in a one-on-one?
Dongyoung Kim, CPO
One-on-one coaching is a conversation in which the leader asks questions instead of handing over answers, helping the team member sort out the problem and decide the next step themselves. The easiest way to start is the GROW model: ask in the order Goal, Reality, Options, Will. Not every one-on-one has to be coaching; 15 to 20 minutes is enough when a team member brings a stuck task or a concern. At the end, write down the one action the team member chose and check on it at the next one-on-one.
What is one-on-one coaching?
Conversations in a one-on-one fall into three broad kinds: sharing updates, giving and receiving feedback, and coaching, which helps the team member find their own answer. Of the three, coaching is the one where the leader talks least.
The reason to coach is simple. When the leader gives the answer, the problem in front of you gets solved quickly, but the team member comes back to the leader every time a similar problem appears. And people tend to follow through on actions they chose more than on actions they were told to take, because the sense of having chosen turns into ownership.
When coaching fits, and when it doesn't
| Coaching fits when | Another kind of conversation fits better when |
|---|---|
| A team member brings a task and is unsure how to approach it | A deadline is close and a quick call is needed (direction, advice) |
| They are thinking about their role or career direction | They don't yet have the knowledge or experience needed (teaching, demonstrating) |
| The same problem keeps coming back and they are frustrated | There is a clear gap from expectations that you need to name (feedback) |
| They are capable but lack confidence | They are worn out or going through a hard time emotionally (listening, support) |
Team members who are new, or new to a role, get frustrated if you only coach from day one. Give explanations and examples first, then shift toward questions as they find their feet.
What is the GROW model?
The GROW model is a framework for coaching conversations developed in the 1980s by business coaches Graham Alexander, Alan Fine, and Sir John Whitmore (MTD Training). It spread widely through Whitmore's book Coaching for Performance. Its four stages are:
- Goal: decide what they want from this conversation, and from this task.
- Reality: look honestly at where things stand now and what is in the way.
- Options: bring out as many ways as possible to reach the goal.
- Will: decide which of them to do and by when, and what support is needed.
You don't have to follow the order strictly. It is common to revise the goal while talking about reality. But a conversation that ends without Will stays just a good chat. Always close with action.
One-on-one coaching questions for each GROW stage
Pick only two or three per stage. Asking one question and hearing the answer out matters more than asking many.
Stage 1, Goal: questions that set the aim of the conversation
- When these 30 minutes are over, what would you like to have sorted out?
- If this task went well, what would that look like?
- If you got that, what would change for you?
- By when, and how far, would be good enough?
If the answer is vague, like “I just want to do it well,” ask once more to make it concrete: “How would you know you did it well?”
Stage 2, Reality: questions that look at the current situation
- What have you tried so far, and how did it go?
- Where are you most stuck?
- Out of 10, where are you now, and what would it take to go up one point?
- Who has an influence on this?
Take care that Reality doesn't become an interrogation. Instead of “Why didn't you do it?” ask about the situation: “What made it hard?”
Stage 3, Options: questions that widen the choices
- If there were no constraints, what would you try?
- Have you solved a similar problem before?
- If there were one more way, what would it be?
- What would someone who is great in this role have done?
If the leader offers ideas first here, the team member's options close down quickly. Once their options are all out, ask “May I add one from my own experience?” and then add it.
Stage 4, Will: questions that settle the action
- Which of these will you start with?
- By when can you try it?
- What can I do to help?
- Out of 10, how committed are you to doing this? If it's below 8, what needs to change?
The last question is useful for checking whether the plan is too big or too vague. If the score is low, break the action down smaller. Questions for other situations are collected in What questions should you ask in a one-on-one?.
A sample one-on-one coaching conversation
A marketer on the team has put “the new campaign plan keeps slipping” on the agenda.
| Stage | Leader | Team member |
|---|---|---|
| Goal | What would you like to have decided on this today? | A plan that gets the draft done this week. |
| Reality | Where is most of your time going right now? | Handling the urgent requests that come in every day takes up the whole afternoon. |
| Reality | How many of those requests really need you? | About half. I take the rest because I'm the fastest at them. |
| Options | What are some ways to make room for planning? | Keep two hours free in the morning, or make a form for repeat requests and hand them off. |
| Options | If there were one more? | It would help if you set the priority of requests once. |
| Will | What will you start with? | From tomorrow, 10 to 12 in the morning is for planning only. Could we agree on the priority rules together by Friday? |
In this conversation the leader never offered a solution first. Instead, the support the team member asked for (priority rules) became the leader's action item, and at the next one-on-one they check together whether the planning time held. For how to run the whole one-on-one, see How do you run a one-on-one (1on1)?.
Common mistakes team leads make when coaching in one-on-ones
- Not tolerating silence: the better the question, the longer the answer takes. Waiting just five seconds changes what the team member says.
- Starting with “why”: “Why did you do that?” invites defensiveness. Try “What were you thinking when you did that?”
- Ending without action: however good the conversation, without Will you will have the same talk at the next one-on-one. Ask the team member to restate the action in their own words, and write it down.
- Coaching every time: when expectations are off and you only ask questions, the team member wears themselves out guessing what you want. When it's needed, give clear feedback first.
Other reasons one-on-ones stall, coaching included, are covered in Why do one-on-ones fail?, and why coaching conversations are central to leadership in How do one-on-ones relate to leadership?.
How to carry a coaching conversation forward
Coaching shows its effect at the next one-on-one. Open the next conversation by asking whether the team member tried the action they chose, and what they learned from it. If they didn't, rather than blaming, ask “What got in the way?” and go back to the Reality stage.
For that, there has to be a record of what you decided last time. How to write down the actions you agree on and check them at the next one-on-one is covered in How do you set and follow up one-on-one action items?.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Q.Is a one-on-one the same as coaching?
- No. A one-on-one is the regular meeting between a leader and a team member, and coaching is one way of talking you can use in it. A single one-on-one can mix updates, feedback, and coaching.
- Q.How much time does GROW coaching take?
- Fifteen to twenty minutes is enough to go through all four stages on one topic. In a 30-minute one-on-one, check last time's action items first, then spend the rest coaching on one topic the team member chose.
- Q.What if the team member only says “I don't know”?
- Make the question smaller. Instead of “What should we do?” narrow it: “What could you try within tomorrow?” If it is still hard, the situation may call for explanation or examples rather than coaching.
- Q.Should I prepare coaching questions in advance?
- You don't need to memorize them all, but choosing one go-to question per stage makes it easier. Asking the team member to write one line about what they want to talk through before the one-on-one makes the Goal stage much shorter.
- Q.Can coaching conversations be used in performance reviews?
- If what was said becomes review material, team members stop bringing up their concerns honestly. But how they carried out and improved on the actions they chose is evidence of growth, so agree with the team member in advance on which records will be used and how.
ORBLIT
How Orblit helps
To make it easier to put this article into practice, Orblit helps in these ways.
01The chosen action carries into the next conversation
Record the conversation and AI organizes it into key points, a summary, and action items, which carry over into preparing the next one-on-one. You can open right where the team member's chosen action left off.
02Were you really listening?
AI leadership coaching shows the speaking ratio of leader and team member, and analyzes what the leader said to point out strengths and areas to improve. You can see whether you meant to coach but ended up doing most of the talking.
03Recordings are not kept
Recordings are deleted automatically within three days after analysis, and meeting data is not used to train AI models.
Sources
- What Is The GROW Coaching Model? (With Examples To Help) · MTD Training (Sean McPheat) · 2022-06-28
- Coaching for Performance · John Whitmore