What should you do when a team member won't talk in a one-on-one?

What a team member's silence tells you

A team member's silence is often not a sign of failure but a sign that trust is still being built, and the leader has a big influence on that trust. Gallup estimated that managers account for at least 70% of the variance in employee engagement scores across business units (Gallup, 2015). The same person will say more, and go deeper, depending on how the leader opens the conversation.

This article covers five reasons team members don't talk and what to do about each.

Five reasons team members don't talk in one-on-ones

What to do depends on the cause. First see which of these five is closest. More often than not, two or three overlap.

The first cause ties to psychological safety, a concept first introduced by Harvard organizational behavioral scientist Amy Edmondson. In Project Aristotle, its study of 180 teams, Google listed psychological safety first among the five dynamics of effective teams in order of importance (Google re:Work). The one-on-one is where this trust is built or broken most directly.

What to do for each cause, with example questions

1. When it doesn't feel safe: change your first reaction

Team members remember how you reacted when they raised something small more than anything you said. When you hear about a problem, don't jump in with a solution or a counterpoint; first thank them for telling you. It also helps if the leader briefly shares a mistake or a worry of their own first.

• “When do you feel most drained at work these days?”
• “If you could name just one thing I could help with, what would it be?”
• “I changed what you mentioned last time like this. Is anything else getting in your way?”

Showing, as in the last question, that something they said actually changed is the fastest way to build trust. For that, record what you agreed as action items and check them at the next one-on-one.

2. When they see it as an evaluation: explain the purpose and who sees the notes again

Even if you started one-on-ones long ago, team members may still wonder whether what they say here goes into their review. Say clearly again that the one-on-one is not for judging results but for helping with the process and their growth, and who can see the notes. The difference between the two is covered in How is a one-on-one different from a performance review?, and how to explain it to the team in How do you introduce one-on-ones to your team?.

• “This time isn't for evaluating your performance. It's for me to hear what I should change to make your work easier.”
• “If there's anything we discuss that you'd rather not have written down, just tell me.”

3. When they don't know what to say: share the agenda first

An open question like “Anything to talk about?” is harder to answer than it sounds. Send two or three questions and a shared document the day before, and have the team member add one topic first. Once there is a topic, the conversation starts far more easily. You can pick questions by topic from What questions should you ask in a one-on-one?.

• “Shall we pick just one thing you want to say today, and one thing you want me to hear?”
• “What did you spend the most time on over the past two weeks?”

4. When the leader takes over: ask, then wait

Many leaders who feel their team member won't talk are in fact filling most of the conversation themselves. When the team member hesitates, they fill the silence with another question or a piece of advice. Ask one question at a time and wait about five seconds for the answer. When you hear it, ask once more, “What makes you think so?”, rather than giving advice.

It is hard to judge for yourself how much you talked. Listening back to a recording, or simply noting in one line right after each one-on-one who talked more, is enough to start seeing the habit.

5. When they need time to think: widen the ways to answer

Not answering right away doesn't mean having nothing to say. Send questions ahead, and let them answer in notes during the meeting or add thoughts in writing afterward. For these team members, questions that start from facts are easier than questions about feelings.

• “You don't have to answer right now. If something comes to mind, send me a message tomorrow.”
• “Which stage of this project took longer than you expected?”

Sample one-on-one dialogue: moving past “I'm fine”

In the same situation, the leader's next line changes where the conversation goes. Here the team member gives a short answer when asked how work is going.

When the conversation closes

By checking progress and going on about their own experience, the leader left the team member no room to speak.

When the conversation opens

Asking for a score turns “fine” into a concrete number, and “what would need to change” gets them talking about improvements rather than complaints. It lowers the burden of raising a problem. To carry this into a conversation where the team member finds their own solution, see How do you coach in a one-on-one?.

Checklist for leaders before the next one-on-one

If a team member has been quiet two or three times running, check these before the next meeting. The items you can't say yes to are what you can change right away.

• In the last one-on-one, I talked no more than half the time
• I shared the agenda or questions with the team member before the meeting
• There is a place for the team member to add topics first
• I acted on, or answered, at least one thing they said last time
• The team member knows the one-on-one is not an evaluation, and who can see the notes
• I asked one question at a time and waited for the answer
• The meeting didn't end with only a progress check

If you couldn't say yes to many of them, it's time to rework how your one-on-ones are set up, not to fix the team member. Common recurring mistakes are covered in Why do one-on-ones fail?.